Strong When I Say…

 

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting to the wind and wanting to start again?”

At some point, we will came up to our lives experiencing this kind of feeling of being hopeless, alone, lonely, yet you need to pretend that’s everything is okay. To be okay in order to adapt to your environment. To shoulder all of the misery just to be an epitome of being strong to others. Being a left out is not even a feeling, it is a phenomenon. It’s like you’re with everyone today and in a blink they’re gone. You have no idea why they leave or even when will they come back (excluding the fact that if they really will). If you’ve experience these, maybe you’re one of us. You, are thrown.

I am strong when I say, I can tolerate all your humiliations, your teases, your insults, your laugh, your words. Every time you call me fat. Every time you say that I look like that horse you’ve once seen in your province. Every time that you are all saying that I looked like an old lady. Every time that you are saying that I have no chance to get a boyfriend.  Every time you accused me being a LGBT even though I am really not.  Remember when you spread those issues about I am the one who rumored “sheryl and ej” are dating even though it’s not true, reason why one of my friends got angry with me and I ended up as loner in the corner of our hallways. Remember when you told me that it will just be possible that I can get a boyfriend is when I’m already a lawyer because I have money to give. Yes, I laugh but I can’t turn the eyes of my heart to not be hurt.

I am strong when I say, It’s okay with me that you’ve deprive my last chance getting a medal in my elementary graduation. You did that too well. Remember when you told our teachers that I didn’t deserve the honor because all I ever do is to copy in my seatmate during tests and I didn’t even do my homeworks; reason why you just steal mine and put your name into it so that you are able to pass the deadline.

I am strong when I say, i am still proud every time I look at the mirror and saw my teeth damaged. Because every time I am seeing these cracked teeth I have the inspiration to face my life and be successful someday. I am not that hurt when that scenario in the back of our school replays in my mind. I still recall how you slipped my feet, how my mouth hit the water tank nearby, how fast I wiped those blood in my mouth, how I thought I lost my teeth because of the impact, how you do that innocent face just like you didn’t do anything, how they laugh at me, how I ran to comfort room and can’t cry because I can’t burst it out that‘s left unexplainable until now and how I lied to my mom when she ask me what happened. That day, was the first time I scold her, not because I am angry but to hide my pain, I don’t know; that time was the time I tell myself not to trust anyone, everyone with the cause of my sadness.

I am strong when I say, I can live without my dad. Because all my life, he’s one of my inspirations in terms of anything; my awards, my honors, my perfect score, my articles, my poems, or even my art class drawings. He’s everything. When I lost him, I learned the feeling of being numb. Since that day, I’ve felt that no one ever understands me.

I am strong when I say, I can go back to my passion which is leadership.  I still remember that this damn passion gave me the stress that I’ve never been into in my whole entire life. That time they decrease my dignity, slap me the fact that I steal the money even though I didn’t have anything spent for myself, when I borrowed from my mom for the sake to replace it that turns out to be something that I’m carrying the consequences until now.  Since then, I learned to limit myself; limit up to the point that I took out my own happiness for doing this.

I am strong when I say, I am doing well in my school. Every time they’re telling me how intelligent and brilliant I am. Those words. I can’t accept that. Because every time I’m hearing those words, my mind replays that scene when my teacher accused me that I’m a cheater even though I do not cheat on that exam and moron because I never excel on that subject. I did my best to study hard but it’s just isn’t my forte. I planned to cut off here but this day came, the day that I’m the only one who’s able to answer the problem and it fascinate my teacher.  It kinda lifts me up, but life’s a tire; sometimes you’re up then in a blink you’re down. My physics teacher bullied me. I admit I’ve hurt her, but the consequences that came back at me is such an absurd. I lost my squad, I lost my focus and at the same time she hurt me verbally, well she’s not saying it directly at me but I know and it’s obvious that it’s me. I felt so embarrassed that time. It drove me into that feeling of being mad. Mad at anything about myself.

I am strong when I say, my family seems so fine. Since my dad died, every one of them became a monsters in my eyes, so monstrous that they’re able to let every night of my mom in tears; my mom which is as strong as a superhero. I don’t want to hate them, my parents raise me with the same level of respect to each one of them. But they leave me up the point that, I found no reason to respect them but their age. That time, they prove me that water is much better than blood.

 

But let’s get down to reality. I am not strong. I am just a person. Person just like anybody else, but not as same as them. Not that beautiful as you’ve expected, not that brilliant, not that rich, not that lovable, not that good speaker, not that thin, or either not as much as you. I am just a walking zombie, crossing the streets, riding a train, talking with a manipulative people in this world, filled with a hundreds of knives thrown in my back; yet I may not have the brain to think of some thoughts to throw back to you but I have the heart to feel hurt. But  just like this creature, do I need to be dead just to have that importance that everyone of us must have? Do we have to be gone for us to be found? Do we really have to be one of the forgotten just to be remembered? Do we really need to leave just let to them want us to get back? They say that life is puzzle that needs to be filled, we are keeping ourselves busy finding it’s missing pieces. That’s why I wonder, how about those people who put their own deadline; Did they complete their puzzle that’s why they quit the game? But then I’ve realized their point. Sometimes nothingness filled nothingness. These unfilled parts of our lives is not telling us to find it, but to accept that it’s just that, that’s already complete and emptiness is a part of it. Now tell me Am I strong when I say, i want to complete this nothingness?

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s