As I were teaching you that equation ended up you still didn’t get it, “Mom, I didn’t get it.” I frowned. “But thanks for teaching me anyway.”
I realized, Teaching is not by age. It’s in the eye of the beholder of different scenarios and various experiences. We can tell that we’re capable of teaching if we’re capable of listening. Sometimes, what really matter is the effort of serving yourself as the eye opener, and learning becomes just a bonus. I’m getting confused this past few days what I must do, what things that is right for the current situation. I just lost my mom few years back and I have no one to ask. Promise. I’ll listen. Just tell me how, and why, and when and where. I’ve been in different bookstores and online sites to find some book reference regarding to this but I don’t think I can find one; unless the author is you.
Tell me how not to be so worried when you’re not home from school in this very late hours. How to avoid thinking of the things that might happen to you. How to control my heartbeat acting as aggressive as if it’s in a middle of riot. I badly want to know what measures I must do to encourage you to at least text me or let me know where you are. I know I can’t limit your spectrum of adventures even though I badly want to experience this with me by your side. Promise, I will behave. I will not force you to take photos in every historical corner of the site just because I want you to have souvenir that you’re once been in there. I will not call you in the middle of your atmosphere appreciation just to wipe your sweaty back or to retouch you or to ask you if you want any sandwich. I just want to see you, the real you—exploring the world that just means you and me back then.
Tell me how can I comfort you on your toughest time. How to pick the lock of your room every time you shut your door in my face because you’re angry with me, or in the world, or with everyone. Open the door at least. Please leave it open. I want to peak you in the not so obvious way possible just to check if you’re okay or tell me who just hurt you. I will beat them just for you, but I hesitated. How can I beat you? You’re hurting yourself. Tell me how and what words I must say. How will I handle this situation in the way that will not annoy you. Because I can’t do anything, nor can speak, so I just hug you and release this energy that made you slept the pain. It hurts me, breaks me into million pieces that makes me want to carry all your burden.
Tell me how I can give all you want. Because I’m sorry I wasn’t capable of providing all you need. But believe me, I’d spare my life just to lend you these. I’ll do anything to find those lamp and I will rub it until the friction gone too high just to see the genie and wish him all your best. Tell me what job I must apply in this old age offering a salary that’s enough for your needs. I just can’t take seeing you envy your classmates having those gadgets, borrowing books just to review some of your lessons, being unable to develop your God given talents because of lacking some equipment, or simply can’t buy those foods you want to taste for the very first time.
Maybe, I’m not holding your hand anymore when you figured out the answers. I want you not to be perfect but to be enough. For you. I want to see the horizon of your perspective. How you see me, either if are you satisfied of what things I’ve accomplished. Maybe you know. Much better than me. Because you’re in that same shoes I’ve once been into and I can tell it’s not easy. Same as here at the peak of where I am right now. But dear, I want you not to rush. Close your eyes. And feel your shoes as of now. Because you will forever be in that shoes, but the time of you teaching me will be limited. Don’t wait for the déjà vu might happen, where you have no one to ask. Someday, you will be the one in my seat, throwing up the same questions but eventually be disappointed for not getting any answers. But a simple hug will do. And if you ever respond to my thoughts, I like to answer you back just like what you said as I were teaching you that equation ended up you still didn’t get it, “ Dear, I didn’t get it.” I smiled. “But thanks for teaching me anyway.”